Your Random Bit of Trivia for the Day

Ok, so you are sure to be the only one in the room to pull this one out of your ass …

That’s right, Charles Minus, the great jazz bassist, was totally obsessed with toilet training for cats.  So obsessed in fact that he wrote his own guide to the obscure art in 1972.  I swear it’s true!  The cat guide was based on a method he used on his own cat named Nightlife.

The guide also appears on the official Charles Mingus Website, which makes the seemingly absurd booklet all the more believable.  Now, you are obviously chomping at the bit to understand how the whole process works – I know I was!  Feast your eyes on this bit of gloriousness, and thank SuperRadNow for teaching you this random bit of life-changing knowledge!

1.  First, you must train your cat to use a home-made cardboard litter box, if you have not already done so. (If your box does not have a one-piece bottom, add a cardboard that fits inside, so you have a false bottom that is smooth and strong. This way the box will not become soggy and fall out at the bottom. The grocery store will have extra flat cardboards which you can cut down to fit exactly inside your box.)

Be sure to use torn up newspaper, not kitty litter. Stop using kitty litter. (When the time comes you cannot put sand in a toilet.)

Once your cat is trained to use a cardboard box, start moving the box around the room, towards the bathroom. If the box is in a corner, move it a few feet from the corner, but not very noticeably. If you move it too far, he may go to the bathroom in the original corner. Do it gradually. You’ve got to get him thinking.Then he will gradually follow the box as you move it to the bathroom. (Important: if you already have it there, move it out of the bathroom, around, and then back. He has to learn to follow it. If it is too close to the toilet, to begin with, he will not follow it up onto the toilet seat when you move it there.) A cat will look for his box. He smells it.

2.  Now, as you move the box, also start cutting the brim of the box down, so the sides get lower. Do this gradually.

Finally, you reach the bathroom and, eventually, the toilet itself. Then, one day, prepare to put the box on top of the toilet. At each corner of the box, cut a little slash. You can run string around the box, through these slashes, and tie the box down to the toilet so it will not fall off. Your cat will see it there and jump up to the box, which is now sitting on top of the toilet (with the sides cut down to only an inch or so.)

Don’t bug the cat now, don’t rush him, because you might throw him off. Just let him relax and go there for awhile-maybe a week or two. Meanwhile, put less and less newspaper inside the box.

3.  One day, cut a small hole in the very center of his box, less than an apple-about the size of a plum-and leave some paper in the box around the hole. Right away he will start aiming for the hole and possibly even try to make it bigger. Leave the paper for awhile to absorb the waste. When he jumps up he will not be afraid of the hole because he expects it. At this point you will realize that you have won. The most difficult part is over.

From now on, it is just a matter of time. In fact, once when I was cleaning the box and had removed it from the toilet, my cat jumped up anyway and almost fell in. To avoid this, have a temporary flat cardboard ready with a little hole, and slide it under the toilet lid so he can use it while you are cleaning, in case he wants to come and go, and so he will not fall in and be scared off completely. You might add some newspaper up there too, while you are cleaning, in case your cat is not as smart as Nightlife was.

4.  Now cut the box down completely until there is no brim left. Put the flat cardboard, which is left, under the lid of the toilet seat, and pray. Leave a little newspaper, still. He will rake it into the hole anyway, after he goes to the bathroom. Eventually, you can simply get rid of the cardboard altogether. You will see when he has got his balance properly.

Don’t be surprised if you hear the toilet flush in the middle of the night. A cat can learn how to do it, spurred on by his instinct to cover up. His main thing is to cover up. If he hits the flush knob accidentally and sees that it cleans the bowl inside, he may remember and do it intentionally.

Also, be sure to turn the toilet paper roll around so that it won’t roll down easily if the cat paws it. The cat is apt to roll it into the toilet, again with the intention of covering up- the way he would if there were still kitty litter.

It took me about three or four weeks to toilet train my cat, Nightlife. Most of the time is spent moving the box very gradually to the bathroom. Do it very slowly and don’t confuse him. And, remember, once the box is on the toilet, leave it a week or even two. The main thing to remember is not to rush or confuse him.

Good luck. Charles Mingus

Slim Gaillard

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Slim Gaillard was a hipster of the highest order.  His status was even immortalized by the king of him himself, Mr. Jack Kerouac.  In On the Road Sal and Dean go to see Slim play in San Francisco and have a drink with him after his set.  ”Bourbon-orooni … thank-you-ovauti …”  Oh yeah, Slim had his own language he called Vout.  It was mostly gibberish be-bop jive, but there was a method to Slim’s madness, so much so that he wrote a dictionary to prove it!

According to legend, Gaillard had an adventurous childhood, though few of its details have been confirmed.  While he was certainly born in 1916, one account has him birthed in Santa Clara, Cuba of a Greek father and an Afro-Cuban mother; another places Slim’s birth in Pensacola, Florida to a German father and an African-American mother.  Either way, it is certain he had an abnormal childhood as he traveled on board a ship on which his father was steward, and Slim was mistakenly left behind in Crete when the ship sailed.  While many a 12-year-old would have freaked, Slim seems to have kept his cool.  He was there for six months before he was able to work his way back home, and during his odyssey he learned to speak seven languages, including Spanish, Greek, Turkish, Bulgarian, and Armenian.  Back in the states he went on to work as a professional boxer, mortician, and illegal booze delivery man for the infamous Purple Gang in Detroit.

Slim also began to sing in speakeasies at this time. His first instrument was the vibraphone, although he was also proficient on piano, congas, bongos, and saxophone. When he heard Charlie Christian play electric guitar, he went out and bought one and mastered it.  He played the piano with the backs of his hands, palms up; the vibraphone with swizzle sticks; and the double bass below the bridge. He could play “Jingle Bells” on a snare drum, producing the pitches by sliding the fingers of one hand along the drumhead as he beat out the rhythm with the other hand.  Slim had skills, and everyone knew it, and soon enough he was in New York performing as one half of a duo with bassist Slam Stewart. They had their own music with their own sound, and Slim could make a song on just about any topic sound great – from potato chips to matzoh balls to cement! Slim and Slam’s success led to along running radio series and an appearance in the film Hellzapoppin.  

After his great jazz success Gaillard’s star continued to rise.  He appeared in several shows in the 1960s and 1970s, such as Marcus Welby, M.D., Charlie’s Angels, Mission Impossible, Medical Center, Flip (The Flip Wilson Show), and Along Came Bronson. He also appeared in the 1970s TV series Roots: The Next Generations and reprised some of his old hits on the NBC primetime variety program, The Chuck Barris Rah Rah Show. By the early 1980s he was touring the European jazz festival circuit, playing with such musicians as Arnett Cobb, and performing on the BBC television series of George Melly and John Chilton.  He also made an appearance in Absolute Beginners (1986) singing “Selling Out”.

In 1989, a film company set out to make an hour-long documentary, but it was lengthened to four hours instead. It was called “The World of Slim Gaillard”.  He passed away in 1991, and remained the hippest of the hip cats until the day he died!